I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
