I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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