just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
