omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
