Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
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