Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
You pole danced in your parka.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
