The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Randomize
