why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
