so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
