I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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