i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
