matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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