I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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