Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
i am craving dick and cupcakes
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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