I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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