Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
