im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
