I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
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