If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
