You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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