i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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