Got a toothbrush?
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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