And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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