did you get engaged???
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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