ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
