I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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