She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
The Olympian is in my bed
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
