a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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