i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
