I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
