...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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