Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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