Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
There are leaves in my underwear?
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