got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Randomize
