I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
