alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
