She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
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