no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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