You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
