She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
3 2 1 whiskey
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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