I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
