I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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