hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
