id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
