Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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