You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
"it" just moved
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Randomize
