Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
