all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
