I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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