Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
