This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize