It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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