John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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