So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
